Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Grocery Shopping for the Single Girl

Yes, we've all read posts about how to feed your family for less. 

We've all read posts about couponing, making lists, meal planning. 

And I love all this shit, I really do, but let's get down to business. 

I am going to help you plan.  No, not meal plan.  No, not plan on making a shopping list.  Let's plan your grocery trip around the plan of the most hotties.  (I use the word hottie kind of ironically.) 

 Photo:  Me, pretending to go to the Grocery Store (I really went yesterday.) 

Step 1:  Do you know a grocery store where someone hot works?  Go there, preferably during his hours of service.  Don't talk to him, just look at him and smile and say hi.  Pretend you didn't even know that he works there.  Get a reasonable amount of groceries--only stuff you need!  Then leave!  It's also great to buy cat food so you can make conversation with a hottie about your pet if need be.  Try to leave the conversation ONLY if he's the cashier.  But, also, try not to get in his line, that's desperate.

2.  Know the types of hotties which hang out at each store.  In Seattle, I go to Safeway for the practical hotties, QFC for the practical stylish hotties, Madison Market for the elitist hotties with dreads, Whole Foods for the Livejournal hotties, Trader Joe's for the authentically hot hotties who probably make more money than the rest of the grocery store hotties, and other stores that are near the homes and businesses of other dudes I might be crushin on. 

3.  Wear sloppy clothes.  He's more likely to be working if you are. 

4.  If you know he's a vegan and you eat meat, purposely buy some lunch meat.  You will look like you're personally challenging him by this, and he might be turned on by it. 

5.  If you are shopping out of your normal neighborhood, have an excuse ready.  My favorite?  "Oh, I come to the UDistrict every Sunday to get coffee anyway.  Now how is your cat?" 

6.  Don't bring a friend. For realz.  It looks way too planned that way. 

7.  If you must write an I SAW U, keep it vague.  Very, very vague. 

8.  Don't discount the value of hot workers at the in-store Starbucks.  Trust. Me.  Also don't discount the value of writing an I SAW U for a hot worker in the in-store Starbucks.  Trust me again. 

Now, you may think that these tips don't have to do with personal finance, but they do!  First of all, taking your time to visit hotties at the grocery store adds life value to your experience.  It is multi-tasking, which saves time.  And time is money!  Happy hunting!  


BlueAmiah3 said...

YOU are hilarious!

captiv8ed said...

best. post. ever.

Amber Dawn said...

you are a genius.

Anonymous said...

hmmm.... too planned if you bring a friend? It all seems too planned to me. Don't worry about excuses for being out of your neighborhood, he will never wonder, unless you bring it up, and if you bring it up it will just sound awkward. (If for some reason he were to ask---not at all likely--there are a million reasons, you have a friend in the area, you like the museum nearby, it's a good halfway point on the way back from work....)

Just be yourself.

Steer conversations towards where you like to go out, rather than pets. That leads to conversations about where you might run into each other, (I know where that is, but never gone out there, what kind of music do they have? Do they have live music? What nights?) ...or go out together to do. (You kayak? I've never done that, it looks so fun, I'd love to learn someday.)

And why just employees? If you're assertive enough to strike up conversations with strangers, good place to meet men in general isn't it?

With cashiers...write checks where possible, they have your address and phone number on them, and you can drop hints like "Do you need my cell phone?" or "Is my number on that check?"
(As a clerk did I had the conversation with guys, "I need you to write your number on the check." "Will you use it to call me?"--actually not a bad line, doesn't sound cheesy and it's not overly sexual or anything.)

Guys at Trader Joes are going to be broke. TJ is very anti-union and treats it's employees like crap. (Better idea, don't shop there at all.) Safeway and QFC are union. (Downside: Married men more likely to look for better-paying jobs with benefits.)

But overall... great "multi-tasking" idea!!


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